Vacation!

I don't have to be at work for what seems like ages. This is good. Lots of time to do all those things I feel too tired to do or feel like I don't have time for. Lots of reading, dog walks, cooking and baking are in store.

I'm gonna head down to the art store, get some pretty paper and pens and make my little affirmation cards. This is my homework for the next week. I'll probably have to think of some more as my counselor and I only came up with a handful during our last session. Happy healthy thoughts!

Happy Moments

I feel most lost these days when the sadness fades away and I feel happy. I want to share it, for its been gone for so long. The happy moments are somewhat few and far between still, but I am glad to have them back in any amount.

Counseling last week. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to be lonely, it's ok to miss. Yes I realize. I have limited these moments through distraction and other projects. Then I feel happy like I have done something with myself. This is when I am in need the most, to share the happy moments once again. For now I dance around and sing with my dog and cat. Well they don't dance, nor do they sing, but they seem happy for me when I do.

Dates with me

I made some big self realizations over the past week. I have been surrounding myself with wonderful people all heading in a positive direction in life. This next week I am going to spend more time with me, alone. Finding those things I love to do alone and get enjoyment out of not because I have to because everyone is busy, but because I want to. Moving on from feeling alone and abandoned by the world just because they have things to do in their lives is not a positive way to live. Moving up and moving on.

I have been scouring event listings for music and theatre things of interest. I am taking myself on a fabulously hilarious date for my birthday and I couldn't be more pleased about it. Having that time to enjoy myself, laugh out loud and not have to carry on social conversations will be refreshing. If I am not enough for me I won't be enough for anyone else.

Today is a good day!

advice from a patient

I was having a particularly difficult day at work one day. And I often ask patients their best piece of advice for love, life and health. Well, generally I ask the more aged of my patients. This one day a patient of mine was well into his 90s. He and his wife had been married 60plus years. I asked how he did it, as they seemed to be happily in love.

Compromise and communication. I have heard this several times before. I understand the concept but I am not so good with it in application to my life. I asked him exactly how that worked for him. We'd already chatted about politics, philosophy and the economy so I didn't feel it was too invasive of a question. He looked at me and laughed, "A coin toss". I had to clarify. "If she wants to do this thing tonight and I want to do that thing we toss a coin, I'm heads, she's tails. Law of probability suggests that by the end we have each chosen 50% of the time. Sometimes you end up doing something that doesn't interest you, but that's compromise and love."

I have sat with that conversation awhile now. I still don't really know how I feel about it in practice. Actually, that's a lie, in practice I think I would love it. I am just not used to choosing.

I am amazingly grateful I get to do the work I do. I often feel I gain much more from the people I work with in comparison to the brief moments of help I give to them. This weekend I will focus on those positive things in my work life.

Delete

I spent the past week 'cleaning' up my online presence. Its much more manageable now. About 100 people are not longer my facebook friends. I kept those that I have had some sense of human connection with, coworkers and people who have entertaining things to post on facebook. I made some photo albums visible to me only as well.

Next step, clean the home. It is more messy than my friend list was and will probably take me the majority of my days off to clean.

Deleting and cleaning, making room for happy positive things to surround me.

Communication

When I speak with others, the dialogue involves giving and receiving.

I am working on developing a proper healthy way to communicate with others. I have begun to communicate my current life focuses to friends around me who I can trust. Vocalizing things makes them seem more real, allows me to acknowledge them and begin to take steps to move towards my goals. Today I am meeting with another close friend to ask for some support. It is going to be a good day.

Weekend

I am taking off for the weekend. Sometimes a change in the routine can give one some clarity and insight into what needs to change back on the home front. I am exhausted from a night shift but very excited about my weekend away. Now to keep awake to make it to the ferry. A nap will probably be in order this afternoon, not out of laziness but for my health so I can have the energy to do all the things I look forward to.

I feel a greater sense of peace today. I feel as though I am seeing what needs to change and how to take steps to do that. It is very good to feel optimistic about life.