Prop 8

I don't tend to follow a lot of American politics, but in the past years I have to say I have been reading more about things going on south of here. For two reasons, there is a lot more international interest in what the US is doing, and because I have been thinking more and more about moving south. I have not moved because I found this relationship with my man and he likes it here, so here I stay for now and see how things turn out. Well on to the point.

Proposition 8 was upheld today by the California Supreme Court. What this means in a nutshell to the best of my understanding is that same sex couples can't legally get married, and don't have the same rights in the eyes of the law (as well as health care and children) as hetero couples. Those 18,000 couple who managed to slip in a wedding in the brief moment of time when it was legal can keep their rights.

*image from Pargon via flickr

On being submissive

If you had asked me a year ago if I would ever find myself in a relationship where I felt like the submissive one I would have laughed in your face. I have been examining my role over the past little while and I think its safe to say truthfully, from my perspective, I am on the submissive end of things. AHHH! How did this happen, I hate this. Ok, hate this is way too strong of a word. I should clarify I am not talking about the extreme aspect of this, more that I find my laid back nature in navigating life has been leading me to just go with the flow in my relationship. I have somehow set a pattern in the relationship that I am not fond of.

This past weekend was our only weekend off together this month. Our weekend off together (one night of it) will be spent in the middle of the sticks somewhere where my man is DJing. I love to see him out enjoying what he does and I do end up having fun when I am out, but its hardly quality time together. I can't complain too much about this past weekend as we did spend time together doing some things I like (shopping, climbed up a mountain) but these were not the things I originally planned, i.e. the things 'I' was looking forward to doing together.

I find that when I attempt to speak my opinion it leads into some form of argument, probably because I start to sound bossy or whine when I don't get my way. The hike for example was fun, I like that little mountain, but I think I failed to mention the importance of not having to use my arms and pectoral muscles too much. We ended up climbing down the way we went up and got off trail (not where I have been before), climbing down short segments of rock face. My pecs were burning then and still hurt today. I complain because I am in pain and am worried about the impact such pain will have since I shouldn’t be working those muscles to that extreme yet due to recent surgery. In all fairness the burning pain is good pain, reminding me of days long past when I spent a couple hours at the gym everyday, but it wasn’t good because I shouldn’t have really being doing that. I’m not being a whiny girl, I am whining because I don’t want to mess my body up. Anyways, arguing ensued. It was more awkward in the company of his friends. No one wants to be ‘That’ girlfriend.

So on I continue on my quest to learn to balance this new found role and still maintain my sense of self. There must be a good book about this somewhere that isn’t in the dreaded and sad self-help section of the bookstore. Apparently saying the phrase “Stop having only-child syndrome” is not the proper way to open up a real conversation on the issue. Its hard to be with someone when the both of us are used to getting our way, someone has to give. The only books I have ever read on the topic of power dynamics weren’t specifically for a relationship, more for sex related stuff. Although there is a healthy way to be submissive and be happy about it, maybe I should read some again.

Celebrity

I go through phases where I am interested in celebrity gossip, and then I realize what I am wasting time reading as 'news'. Sometimes they are interesting stories about using fame for good, but most of the time its trash. Who kissed whom, who looks bad without make-up? Hey world, people don't look BAD without make-up; they just don't look like they have a ton of make-up on so you can see 'flaws'. This post isn't about much of that, since I haven't read a gossip magazine in about 8 months, and only keep up with blogs covering the same when I am at work in the middle of the night.

Really I saw this picture of Lindsay Lohan and thought she looked good and wanted to post it. Also I hope she makes a good movie sometime soon; a movie that she gets some credit for acting instead of concentrating on her partying past. I wake up and thank whomever it is we are supposed to thank for such things that I am not famous. I can only imagine what a poor public image many of us would have in our growing pains were in the public eye all the time (these thoughts make me abandon celebrity gossip). I can say with honesty that I don't know very many people, women in particular, who haven't dealt with abuse from parents/loved ones, addiction, car crashes, eating disorders, body image problems, horrific heartbreaks and trying to figure out the whole sexuality thing. The fact that she still goes out and about with a smile on her face amazes me. I sit at home with alcohol and ice cream for a good length of time when I get dumped.

I probably could link something in my own life to each of those issues. Maybe that’s why I follow the gossip, to see how it all turns out. I hope it turns out well. Having been on the messy side of things for a long time I can say things get better, you start to like yourself, you find other people who like you too. Its actually not too bad letting go of the wild lifestyle and getting life in order, getting respect at work and generally feeling pretty healthy. So Lindsay, I think you are awesome, even though I have no idea who you really are as a person.

*image from afterellen.com

A White Night to Remember

Tomorrow, May 21, will be the 30th anniversary of the White Night Riots. The White
Night Riots are the protests/riot happening the evening of Dan White’s sentencing for the assassinations of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk. The sentence was seen as light and as a result there was a backlash from gays and allies.

Having been born a few years after I have no real recollection of the impact of the riots, however I can appreciate their impact and think it’s important to remember that night. I think north American society has made some positive steps forward since then but I think many of us as human beings have a long way to go when it comes to human rights issues. Even 30 years ago serving only 4 years in prison for the murder of two people is rather sickening to my stomach. Although I find myself also to support the idea that people deserve second chances and can learn from their mistakes. Not having read much about White’s life after prison, I cannot say that he learned much or that his attitude towards homosexuality had changed. Who knows, in prison maybe he had the opportunity to experience some forms of homosexuality first hand. (Sarcastic tone, because I also don’t support the idea of non-consensual sexual activity)

Tomorrow the California Supreme Court is expected to announce final decision on Prop 8. I find the timing of it all rather strange. It could be a wow, we gave another blow to same-sex marriage on the anniversary of something else significant in ‘our’ history, or it could be a victory. Either way I will be waiting anxiously to hear the result and thinking about progress made so far. I am thankful for living in Canada where this has become more of a non-issue. I am uncertain if the concept of marriage agrees with me in my own life, but I support all the rest of people having the option be available if they choose it. Actually I think it’s the concept of a wedding that disagrees with me, the concept of marriage and commitment to someone isn’t so bad.

*image from foundsf.org

Your girlfriend is a lesbian?

Well maybe yes and no all at the same time. I am still struggling with any sort of label for myself. It is moderately irritating that the man introduces me as his lesbian girlfriend. Its a lighthearted joking sort of way, and I often correct it myself by saying that is not really the truth, the truth is that I haven't been in a relationship with a man for 5-ish years. That is not to say I haven't dated men in that time. If I were to actually tally it up I have probably dated an equal amount of men and women, although long-term monogamous commitments were with men.

It’s difficult to hold strong to my sexuality and try to be out and open about it while dating a man. Many people hear me refer to my most recent ex and assume he is a biological man as well. Out of respect for him in social situations and his strong desire to be 'stealth' I find I can't comment or out myself when he comes up in conversation. Even my parents made the transition from calling him she to he without question or comment, although I know it made them a bit uneasy. I don’t think they have bothered to tell any of my extended family about my orientation and since I rarely see them its pretty much a non-issue.

My man attempted to tell me I wasn’t out at work. Which may in some situations may be true, but most co-workers who have known me for any period longer than a month have me figured out. I feel I am not out because it doesn’t come up that much. When I talk about relationships I use the term partner, and he or she accordingly. I choose not to out myself to patients most of the time because the topic of my orientation has nothing to do with the nursing care I provide them and I often work with an elderly generation that doesn’t agree with homosexuality. In my own opinion I find it more respectful to avoid the topic than try to change their mind in their last few years/months/days of life, although I am quick to call them on hateful comments. I find that if I am feeling closeted its because conversation even remotely related to sexual orientation hasn’t come up. I would like to somehow evolve my orientation into more of the forefront of my personality but the truth is I find myself to be so not focused on the sex or gender of my partners that I forget its not to societal norm sometimes. I try to be kind and respectful to all instead of pushing my agenda on people.

I often talk about gay rights (LGBT/Queer rights, whichever label you may choose), but I think its about equal in frequency with other human rights I tend to ramble on about at work, such as access to housing and proper health care (actually I talk about healthcare most at work). I would say I focus more on human rights overall and things that build community in a positive way rather than focus solely on queer issues. If queer rights come up the occasional co-worker is shocked if I start name-dropping queer activist names, organizations and resources I just remind them that we come in all forms, not just the societal stereotypes. I mostly just look at them and say I tend to find love in all people, and if not love at least mutual respect.

So back to my man thinking he’s dating a lesbian. While I am in a committed relationship with him I find that label difficult to digest. But reflecting on it I also appreciate him outing me because it helps me hold onto my sexual identity publicly. I think it is important, as queer culture is increasingly integrated as normal within society on a larger scale. As that happens I find it equally important to remind people there is a ‘B’ in that LGBT and that even if we happen to be in what the rest of the world sees as a heterosexual relationship we can still identify as bisexual and as such many of us want gay rights just as much as the LG-T part of the group.

New focus

So I have felt this blog is becoming very disjointed over the past little while. I like how its a bit of everything, but also it irritates me. I have been working with the domain I purchased last year, finally trying to create something with it because otherwise that was a total waste of money. Thank bottle of red wine and visa card and internet access for contributing to such purchases.

The other is more appropriately titled to be on food-ish focused blog. Right now its not fully working as I would like because its being rerouted to a blogger account so picture links aren't pointing back to the blog, having to actually go back two pages in the browser will just not be good for long term use. Does anyone out there know how to help with this? Or is there another blog site that will work better, such as wordpress?

What is also crap is that the other blog is blocked at my work for sexual content!? WTF? I think its because of the word food porn but I am not sure, I assure you there no sexual content on there, not even sexuality content so I remain a bit perplexed. Heck I don't ever have any foul language over there and this one has been chalk full of such stuff. Sigh.

This blog will still be here. I feel way out of the queer world these days, which is partly me distancing myself and partly feelings of it distancing me. So this blog will probably be exploring more issues related to that in the future, as it once did from me early 20's perspective.

I realized this will be the first pride in 6 years I will attend while dating a cis-man. After having sat at the booth for Camosun a couple times in the past I feel much more distant from things this year. The man tells me I will be riding the float with him so we will see how that goes. I think he has ducked out of riding that float the past few years. If we do end up doing that I doubt I will have pre-pride breakfast this year. Last years was fantastic! I cooked the day before and cooked for about 3 straight hours creating all sorts of things for the 40 people who stopped by.

Creating

I am working on something new. Well not new, its old but abandoned. I remember it and am working to create something with it. Stay tuned.

Tasty treats!

So it wasn't looking like it was going to be a nice day when I woke up. I decided to commit to spending the day baking things. I once again baked bagels. Korbin ate two and said they were tasty. I also made my favorite cookies from the Rebar Cookbook, basicly chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and dried apricot added. Its a full cookie. Then I searched epicurious for some inspiration to try something new. I made something fairly loosly based on Chocolate-Orange Cookie Stacks. I dislike pre-made store bought chocolate wafers, unless bashing them into crumbs and as a result baked my own. I have a few extra slice and bake logs of chocolate dough in the freezer which I will probably make into some sort of other stacked creating someday soon. The cookies turned out pretty good for not really knowing what I was trying to do, if anything they are a cute little spring cookie that goes well with the sun that has recently decided to appear.

*photo taken by myself!

Cash

My sister posted a few pictures in her facebook of her dog, Cash enjoying the last of the snow the other day. For reference they live fairly far north in New Aiyansh where the two of us were born. That's all for now since I spent a lot of the day outside with my own dog.

Lacking direction, therefore I baked.

I wrote a few posts but decided not to post them. My blog lack direction. Probably because I lack direction this month. May will feel so much better, I will be back at work, back to my regular routine, back to having the ability to exercise properly.

I burnt my hand on the element of the stove today, its a nice ring pattern on the palm of my hand. Its not that bad thanks to my very effective nerve endings telling me the element was hot. I probably should have known this as I just had a rather large pot of water boiling on said element. I wanted to bake today, but it was too hot this morning with the am sun shining into my condo heating it up like a microwave. I thought I could tolerate standing in front of the stove for the 15 minutes or so it takes to make no bake chocolate cookies. They have got to be the easiest things on earth to make, but somehow mine never harden as much as I would like, so now I have a spot of counter covered in chocolaty peanut butter globs of oatmeal goo. They still taste good, but I recall them tasting better when I was about 20 years younger. This is probably because I had pretty undeveloped and inexperienced taste buds at that time. Fail.

Onto my next experiment, bagels. I am writing this as they are baking in the oven. I am not sure how they will taste, the dough was yummy and I must say they look pretty good in the oven. The man's mom makes yummy bagels, among other things so I decided to start with that recipe. Next time I will make them larger but I have learned my lessen when trying to change things when trying recipes I have never used before. Ok, so there is a grainy phone picture of my bagels. I think my proper camera is at the man's house.

*photo from my twitpic danasaur82